If you are a man reading this, chances are you have been hurt before in a relationship. Maybe betrayed. Stood up. Phone calls gone unreturned. She made you a promise and didn't keep it. She left you for another man. Maybe some of these things happened more than once.

If you're a woman reading this, chances are *you* have been hurt in a relationship. Maybe betrayed. Stood up. Phone calls gone unreturned. He made you a promise and didn't keep it. He left you for another woman. Maybe some of these things even happened more than once.

The point is this stuff happens to *everybody*, all the time. We are the most successful organism in history not because we experience no conflict or challenge, but because we are most able to adapt to them. As I like to say, challenge is not a bug -- it's a feature. Deal with it.

Now the question comes of *how* you are going to deal with it.

The first strategy is what I call the 'woe is me' strategy. Basically, it means you take it all personally and say, 'Why does this always happen to meeee?' and have a little pity party for yourself. You assume the position of the victim that the world does unto and whine yourself into powerlessness. You hold all those people who have wronged you responsible for your pain and hold grudges against them for ever and all time, world without end, amen.

As twisted and useless a strategy as this sounds, it's probably the single most common one I've encountered amongst people. And every one of us has used it at some point.

Now let me tell you exactly what this does to you. It burdens you. It slows you down. It mucks up your entire mind and heart with this dark energy of self-righteousness and injury.

And, most important, it robs you entirely of your personal power. Because you are tying your well-being to the external actions of some other person -- sometimes another person who is years in the past or hundreds of miles away.

Sure, being pitiable might get you some sympathy. But pitiable is the opposite of powerful. I'd much rather see you powerful.

Pitiable is also often a cheap disguise for bitter. I have spoken to enough men (and women) to know that there's a lot of bitterness floating around. Some of them figure it out and use the strategies (enumerated below) to become better people as a result. But I know a lot of guys who take the bitterness to heart and take every slight very personally.

What happens then is that they generalize from a handful of cases to put some label on *all* women. 'All women are (blank).' Then they bring this bitterness to their next interaction with a woman, which of course is doomed from the start. Or they accumulate an arsenal of weapons to trick and browbeat women, or to mask the fact that they don't really like themselves.

Needless to say, this ain't the best way to go, my friend. One of the best pieces of advice I got was from Don Miguel Ruiz's book 'The Four Agreements', in which he says 'take nothing personally.'

I know it feels pretty darn personal when, say, somebody dumps you, but taking it all personally just means that you think you're taking yourself way too seriously and somehow believe the world revolves around you. And that just ain't the case, buddy. Lighten up. And, even if not taking it personally sounds totally phony, it will make you feel better. Trust me on this one.

Slowly we're getting to the second strategy: the strategy of empowerment.

Now if you take responsibility for everything that's happened and all the feelings you've had, something miraculous happens. The agency is now shifted from an external source (where you had minimal control) to an *internal* source (where you have maximal control). Responsibility is control. And control is power. Power is good.

I'm not saying that it's your fault that she dumped you. I'm saying that you have responsibility for it happening, even if you were completely blameless in the transaction. *You* were the other half of that relationship, not your grandma. Therefore, you were responsible. Responsible good.

Now, in typical Tao of Dating fashion, I've presented the challenge. Now I'm going to give you some ways of handling it -- some ways of achieving this empowerment when it comes to relationship pain.

(Check Out The Tao Of Empowerment here)

Dr Alex has been helping men achieve success with women and is the creator of The Tao of Dating