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The Good And Ugly Looking Bias
In this article I am going to talk about an interesting thing that I've noticed over the years as a dating coach...
Ugly guys like to envy handsome guys because they think being bad or average-looking is holding them back from being noticed by women, and handsome guys like to get angry because they think their looks are not helping them.
Every week, my mailbox is packed with emails that say, "Marius...I am so sick of women ignoring me just because I am not good-looking. Everywhere I go, I see women with ATTRACTIVE guys and I am sick of it."
But right next to these emails are often emails from "good-looking guys" that say something like, "Marius...I am so sick of good looking women going out with these fat and ugly guys. I am a lot better looking than they are, so why don't women notice me?"
This is a GREAT example of how easy it is for the human mind to draw conclusions from insecurities. Both camps of guys feel they are being ignored by women because they are "ugly" or "good-looking", which to the outsider will almost sound like a paradox. And as with many paradoxes, a "third statement" can often reveal the truth.
So...who's right?
Personally, I think they are both right. There ARE good-looking guys dating quality women and they are ALSO bad-looking guys dating quality women. But the problem with the guys mentioned today is that they look at the real world through coloured lenses. The "bad-looking guy" only notices good-looking guys dating gorgeous women, and the "good-looking guy" only notices "fat guys" dating attractive girls.
By the way, this problem isn't limited to looks. There are lots of African American guys who write to me because they think women do not like black guys. At the same time, I also get lots of emails from white guys who feel they are at a disadvantage because "American women like well-hung black men."
Similarly, many Asian guys have emailed me because they think Asian-American women like to
go for white guys as a way to "raise their social status." I've even had a reader tell me it is "impossible" for an Asian guy to find a good Asian woman in America because they are "all" only interested in white guys. Meanwhile, I get emails from white guys who need help with getting Asian girls because they think Asian girls are too traditional to date someone outside their race.
Once again, who's right?
This example even applies to body hair. There are guys who think they can't get women because they have too much body hair, and there are guys who think they can't get women because they have too little body hair.
The list of insecurities goes on and on.
Here's the simple lesson of the day: As humans, we often like to blame some external factors that we can't change as the causes of our failures rather than taking responsibility for our own actions.
While this strategy may protect our egos, it won't help us in the long run. The frustration will continue to grow and our confidence will erode.
In all of the above scenario, Mr. Insecure would have been MUCH better off had he focused on things that he COULD change. Instead of declaring. "Women don't like me because I am not good looking" he should have thought to himself, "There are average-looking guys dating beautiful girls everywhere. What are they doing that I am not?"
As I always say, you can't change your skin color or looks, but you CAN change the way you interact with women. You CAN flirt with women, tease them, and act like a challenge. You CAN have a more exciting personality.
I guarantee you that in the long run, this will be MUCH more effective than just blaming everything on things you cannot change!'
Marius Panzarella is the creator of Dating Secrets Revealed: The Smart Dating System he is recognized as one of the leading web dating coaches and has helped over 60,000 men lead better lives and success with women.
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